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Welcome to the procastination station.

This blog has absorbed many hours of my time over the years, and yet I still struggle writing a proper intro. I mean, how is it possible to give a fitting introduction that entices people to read on. I'll just try and give a few vitals, and hope that is enough I guess. That sound okay? Cool.

I am Sue, live in Fife, Scotland. 30 year old arty dyke. I fangirl over bands and obsess over fictional characters. I write about what happens in my life, and general pondering about stuff that matters to me. Want to find out more, read away or click on the links below.

You can find me on   twitter: www.twitter.com/sueriotgraphics
                               Tumblr: www.sueriotgraphics.tumblr.com
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                               LastFM: www.last.fm/user/sueriotgraphics
  Workie less personal blog: www.sueriotgraphics.wordpress.com


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Blue Monday

Just been hit with a wave of utter despair.

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Meh

So, tonight has ended well. Dunfermline won against Raith Rovers (yay) and my mum got taken to hospital for smashing her drunken face of the pavement (no yay).

Happy New Year

Hi everyone!
I hope that you have had a nice, peaceful start to 2017. I have had a nice quiet day today, plonked in front of the TV, writing away on my computer. Something that is quite soothing for me.

I am hoping to be a bit more productive this year, after a 2016 was a year which was quite quiet. Online it was anyway. I took a lot of steps back this year, which is great thing to do every now and then. I think it is good for everyone, in a world where we share everything, that we take a step back every now and then. And I did that quite a lot last year. This meant that things DID NOT get done, which was super annoying, But, I had to prioritise looking after my self, over doing stuff.

I am filled with the normal optimism that I get at the start of every year, but I'll hopefully make it last. My main aim this year is to simply commit to things. This should hopefully help my productivity a lot more. Especially seeing as anything I find difficulty in committing to will be binned. If I can't give my time to something that I am trying to work towards, then I will put it to the side.

I hope that you get the chance to do everything that you want to in 2017. Onwards and upwards.

Dec. 19th, 2016

Today has been a rather productive day. I went into town and basically did most of the rest of my Christmas shopping. Which was good.

I then spent most of the evening tidying up. My room isn't quite done, but at least it's almost there. :)

It's a struggle

So I woke up this morning, expecting to go and spend the day with my sister. The plan was to go shopping and have a day together. Something we haven't done in forever. But when I was tidying up this morning, she decided she was going out with her pal. I'll be honest, it left me a bit deflated. I had already been woken up early this morning by a panic attack and I couldn't breathe. And I just had another meltdown.

Thats every day in the last 2 weeks that I have cried my eyes out. It doesn't stick, but it means that every day falls to such a low. It's like I am constantly going round in circles, and my nerves are shot because of it. So I try to reach out for people, and they either ignore me or cancel. Which, doesn't help when I already feel so pathetic.

It's draining. I am trying to power on through, but it's hard. I'm wanting, so hard, for this year to continue to go well and end on a high, but I don't know how it's possible. Not right now anyway.

Hi

Today was one of those days where I wished I had just stayed in bed. It was my overtime day and... well overtime and bad anxiety day do NOT mix at all. I have been having a lot of problems with my anxiety in the last few weeks, like uncontrollable crying at stupid moments. It is so embarassing.

It is getting that I don't want to talk to my supervisors about any issues, because I start panicking and crying. Usually I feel the panic, excuse myself and cry somewhere that isn't the middle of the shop floor.

The good thing is, that if I can get through the work day, I feel so much more relaxed. I think it's because work is so stressful and busy because it's almost Christmas. It's the busiest time of the year. I am trying to take just one day at a time.

It might sound like everything is going a bit wrong, but I am a lot better than last year. Which is massive progress. I feel a lot more confident in myself. I have to pace myself, really. If I feel panicked speaking about something, I try to leave it for the moment, and come back to it later. It seems to help, and that matters. It's all baby steps.

Dailypost

Just completed my first full day as a vegan. I was a bit worried how I'd feel being at home, watching tv, but I was fine. I wasn't really hungry all day, and when I felt peckish later, I had a banana. A lot easier than I had thought.

Work was pretty straight forward, auditing the new starts work, and then a meeting with the GM. Was a good day for a Wednesday.

And yes, I am leaving America's decision to make Celebritard Donald Trump president. Yep, the silly Wotsit coloured man with the straw hair is in charge. Now whilst Trump won't just kill everyone or anything, his stance and past commentary encourages bigots to come out of hiding. Scotland didn't see too much hatred in the fall out with brexit, but even here we had staff abused in shops, Muslims assaulted in public. That's the kind of actions that will happen in America, and it's awful.

The world just got a bit worse. Kind of worried for the world, 2016 hasn't been kind.

Dailypost: fresh start

As mentioned yesterday, I have been struggling with the whole weightloss thing. I am really lazy, so when it comes to trying to get organised, I just end up not bothering. Which is made easier, when I can make do without getting new stuff, and either impulsively buy crap or eat whatever crap is at home.

So after signing up for a fresh month of WeightWatchers online, i felt I needed something else to push me on. So today I signed up for the 30 day vegan pledge. I have been vegetarian on and off for the last 10 years, so it has been something I have been thinking about the last few years. The good thing is, that it forced me to go out and buy stuff for lunch and dinners. So I am all organised for work this week, which makes a nice change. Should save me a lot of money too.

So been good this afternoon. Had fruit after the gym, and had a spicy bean burger for my tea with boiled potatoes. The burger was very spicy, but it was nice. But I have enough to last time the rest of the week, but might need some vegan mayo or something to cool it down.

I am feeling pretty optimistic and positive right now. Giving myself the 30 days of the challenge to make or break it. That means if it all goes wrong and I am in the same place next month, I will just cancel the WeightWatchers plan. If it doesn't work, maybe I'm not in the right place yet. No harm in trying. But I need to make sure I am trying properly, and not just diving out because it is 'too hard'.

Dailypost

Not really in the mood for very much today. I have been trying weightwatchers again, as I think I have written here already, and it's not going that great. I have been really struggling with anxiety at work. Looking back, it's not like anything different has happened. I have been feeling like I was spoken down to at work, which made me feel like I didn't know my job. And I know my job, should do anyway, been there for 3 years. Well, because i felt like crap, I ended up having a few panic attacks, and over the course of a few days that can be exhausting.

I just had no energy. I think it was because i got so wound up, it just leaves you with no want to do anything. And when I feel like that I eat, and by that I mean, eat crap. So I blew whatever good work I had done last week, and ended up putting on 2lbs. Which has depressed the fuck out of me. Kind of wondering what the point of it all is.

I have just paid for another month of weighwatchers online, so I suppose I will continue for the mean time. I struggle anyway with anxiety, with the most basic stuff freaking me out, and I don't think adding an extra thing to that list is helping me. Just feel like I am wasting money, and my time. It is so frustrating.